


Breathe and Stop

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Feels Like Heaven [4]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-16 07:39:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5819917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ed looked so tired, frazzled around the edges, but he was going to push all of that aside and give 100% to Noah.  He was home now and work went on the backburner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe and Stop

**Author's Note:**

> This is technically a future fic. My mind is jumping around everywhere so I let the characters take me on a ride.

The microwave clock said 10:09 as Liv steeped her tea. It had been an incredibly long day but it wasn’t over. When the key turned in the lock, she was sure that she would fall down on the floor. She rushed out of the kitchen, into the living room, and met him halfway. A moan of anguish came from Liv’s diaphragm as she launched into Ed’s arms. He held her tight to him, finally able to let go of the breath he'd been holding for over an hour.

“Oh my god, I wasn’t sure if you’d ever come home.” She buried her face in his shoulder. The feelings were overwhelming, Liv was sure they'd knock her to the floor.

“I'm here, baby,” Ed caressed her hair. “I'm home.”

“Those sons of bitches wouldn’t give me any information and that is not acceptable.” She pulled away and took his face in her hands. “I was going to drive to Scarsdale but no one would let me. Fin practically had to hold me down after we heard about the shooting. They made me come home and then sat on the house for a few hours so I wouldn’t leave. 

“And I had to face Noah, who just wanted to know when Daddy was coming home because Thursday night is _Adventure Time_ night. I told him that Daddy had to work late and he was sorry but this was a big, big case. I called you five times. I got the voicemail and couldn’t even contemplate leaving a message without completely crumbling. I just thought that maybe I would know, you know, maybe I would feel something in my soul if you left the earth.”

“I'm alive, Liv. Breathe, you're going to have a panic attack.”

“I've already had a panic attack!” she exclaimed before checking her tone. She wasn’t angry at him. “I made Noah go to bed early and he was upset but what was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to fall apart in front of him. I didn’t want him sitting on the couch reading if the troopers showed up to tell me that you were dead.”

“You should've called Draper.” Ed held her tight again. “You know that he would always tell you what happened. We made that deal years ago.”

“I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to know.” Liv shook her head. “I felt like the longer I didn’t hear that it was going to be OK. I know sometimes you have to go the hospital. I know that you have to be the first person on the scene and the last one to leave. I was trying to think straight because nothing good would come from my falling apart. I just couldn’t stop thinking about telling your kids that you were gone. How was I supposed to do that?”

“Just breathe.” Ed’s voice was soothing. Liv rested her cheek on his shoulder and he stroked her hair. 

He wasn’t just talking to her when saying breathe. Ed had a hell of a night working on a case that had NYPD, New York State Troopers, and members of the governor’s elite security force running prostitutes all the way up to Providence, Rhode Island and as far down as the DC Corridor. Ed had a guy on the inside and he moved up quickly with his ruthless nature. This case had been going on for nearly a year. 

Most times it could be multiple years before they cracked a case. But Ed’s team was some of the best and tonight was the bust. Catching these criminals off guard was the best way to do it. Either way, bullets were gonna fly. It could quickly turn into a scene out of a Schwarzenegger movie.

“Your forehead.” Liv ran her fingers over the stitches. “Oh Ed…”

“Five stitches, I got scraped with a pipe and it broke some skin. It could take me some time to live it down as the perpetrator was a scared 14 year old girl.”

“14? Ed I thought that everyone in this ring was 18 or over, not that it would suddenly make teen prostitution OK.”

“Things were rapidly changing, which is why we've been making moves all week. There were at least two vanloads of teenage boys and girls on their way to New York City and Jersey shore towns for work. We knew we had to break it up before they got involved with teen prostitution and child pornography. No one wants to go down that rabbit hole. The stench never comes off.”

“You should sit down.” Liv led him by the hand and they sat down on the loveseat together. 

Ed wrapped his arms around her and she rested her head on his chest. She wanted to hear him breathe. That always calmed her when she was agitated. It felt so good to be close. 

Ed left the apartment earlier than Liv and Noah that morning. After dinner the night before he quietly told her that they needed to reschedule house hunting, that he had something for work. She didn’t know what was going to be happening today. She wasn’t sure if that was because he didn’t want to worry her or if the IAB and state troopers decided that now was the time to strike.

“I love you, Olivia.” He kissed her forehead.

“I love you too.”

“I'm sorry that I scared and upset you today. It was just supposed to be a regular Thursday and I messed that up big time.”

“You did no such thing.” Liv caressed his face again, slowly kissing him. She was still trembling, still fighting off the sick feeling that he was never coming home again. How would it ever be possible for her to put that kind of darkness into words?

“Mommy?” Noah came out of his bedroom. “Daddy, you're home!”

“Hey bud.” Ed held out his arm and Noah ran to him just as Liv had earlier. He pulled the five year old up on his lap, the three of them sitting together on the loveseat.

“You were kicking bad guy butt today, weren't you?” Noah asked. “I could tell because mommy was upset.”

 _Well_ , Olivia thought, _there's getting very little past this kid_. It wasn’t as if she didn’t already know that but Noah usually said something if he felt tension in the apartment. Ed and Olivia had a few disagreements in their time, any couple would, and their son was a little peacemaker. He liked peace and harmony and wasn’t above “playing U.N.”, as Ed called it, to have it.

“I was.” He kissed Noah’s forehead. “I know that tonight was supposed to be our time and I'm sorry that I wasn’t here.”

“It’s OK.” Noah gave him a big hug. “Are the bad guys in jail now?”

“Yes they are, and will never hurt anyone again. Hey, how about we catch up on _Adventure Time_?”

“OK!” Noah’s whole face lit up.

“Ed, it’s so past his bedtime.” Olivia said. “He's got camp in the morning.”

“Just one half hour baby,” he held up a finger. “And then its bedtime. I promise.”

“I promise too, mom.”

She looked at both of their faces, her boys, and knew she would give in. Ed looked so tired, frazzled around the edges, but he was going to push all of that aside and give 100% to Noah. He was home now and work went on the backburner. That was never an easy thing to do. Ed transitioned from cop to family man better than most. He had excellent compartmentalization skills where that was concerned.

“Alright.” Liv relented. “Thirty minutes and its back to bed.”

“Thirty minutes.” Ed leaned to kiss her, taking a moment to whisper in her ear before turning back to Noah. “Piggy back?”

“Yes!”

“Climb aboard buddy, c'mon.”

Noah just grinned as he climbed on Ed’s back. He wrapped his arms around his neck and Ed bounded off the couch, very unlike a man in his fifties who had a violent confrontation with criminals just a couple of hours before.

“Choo choo!” Noah exclaimed.

“Chug-a, chug-a, chug-a, chug-a…” 

They made their strange noises and laughed together as he carried him into the bedroom to enjoy some of their favorite cartoon together. Some nights his oldest son Sean would come over with pizza and the three of them would sit and watch _Adventure Time_ together for a couple of hours. Liv just loved it. She loved to see Ed interacting with his boys. 

His middle son Jason was early admittance at Dartmouth so he was in New Hampshire taking classes for the summer. Caitlin, who had just celebrated a sweet 16, loved being a big sister. She would come over at least one night a week, usually Tuesdays, for dinner and to hang out with Noah. She and Liv got along well and she loved her father. She absolutely adored him. 

It was something special for Liv to see. She didn’t have much of a relationship with her parents. Ed was a doting father. He didn’t pull punches, he could be a firm disciplinarian when the situation called for it, but he loved his kids. He would hug them, kiss them, and sit through things they enjoyed so he could get an idea of what they were into. 

He talked to them on the phone practically every night and wanted to know what they were doing. Every other Sunday was family brunch, a term Ed hated so he just said breakfast. They would all go to Kip’s Diner in Hell’s Kitchen just to eat and talk and make sure everyone was doing OK. Ed didn’t have the best relationship with his ex though he always tried for the kids. He made sure that he was the father they both needed and deserved. Even though Noah didn’t come from his loins, it was still the same thing. Ed Tucker had four kids, three sons and a daughter, and they were a large and precious responsibility.

After collecting herself on the couch, Liv went back into the kitchen. Of course her tea was cold and she didn’t want to microwave it. Instead she put the kettle back on to heat up water. Her phone was on the countertop and she had two missed calls. It must have been on vibrate; she didn’t want anything to wake Noah if a call came in. Checking the number, Liv wasn’t surprised they was from the same person. She quickly called him back.

“Are you alright?” he said in lieu of hello. “I called twice and I was seriously about to come over. I wasn’t going to let the fact that I'm in pajamas stop me.”

“He's home.” She breathed out the words and didn’t realize how powerful they were until she started to cry again.

“Oh Liv…” Rafael hated that he wasn’t there to comfort her.

“I'm OK.” She lied, even though she wanted to be so there was some truth in it. “I can't stop trembling and I want to cry for a couple of days but I'm OK. He's alive, he's home, and I don’t know what the hell I was ever thinking marrying a cop.”

“The two of you have this tendency to live life like the outtakes of an action movie. That could be a little stressful.”

“He's a captain now, it’s rare that he's out in the field. But this was a big one, Rafael, and I knew it this morning. I felt it in the pit of my stomach and I tried to ignore it. I held his hand too long this morning when he was leaving, I didn’t know what to say but it was hard to let go.”

“Ed is going to be fine.” Rafael said. “You're going to be fine too. You guys should just take the three day weekend and get a little balance back.”

“I think we will.” Liv grabbed the kettle before it whistled too loudly. She poured another mug of chamomile tea. It probably would take a lot more to calm her but this was a good start. “I can't stop shaking, Rafael. I've tried but I really can't. All I could think about was having to tell Noah that Daddy was never coming home again. Of having to tell Sean, Jason, and Caitlin that something horrible had happened. I was never going to see my husband again.”

“He's in the other room. Your life is not the worst case scenario. He's alive and you should be focused on that. It will take a day or so to shake off what you were preparing yourself for. Just know that it’s something you have to do. What’s the point of living if you're just waiting for the cut-off date?”

“Yeah, yeah you're right, I know.” Liv nodded. She knew that was the right thing to think and feel but the bile in her stomach was telling her something else altogether. “I’ll call you tomorrow, OK?”

“Call me on Saturday. Spend time with your family tomorrow. You want Trevor and I to have a Noah afternoon on Sunday?”

“That would be perfect. Thanks.”

“Spending time with Noah is a joy for us as well. And it stops the baby conversations for the time being.”

“Will you ever give in?” Liv asked. 

Rafael and Trevor had been talking about a baby for over a year. Well, Trevor was talking and Rafael was avoiding the subject like the clap. Neither one of them expected to rekindle a long over relationship but life sometimes did things that you never saw coming. Olivia was well aware of this fact. She didn’t want the children conversation to break them up again. Still, it was something that one had to commit to 150%. If Rafael didn’t want it then his best friend didn’t want him to give in.

“I've been thinking about older kids but then, with what I do for a living, I can't help but think at 14 she’ll kill us in our sleep.”

“I really do love you.” Liv laughed.

“I love you too. Go and be with your family; I’ll talk to you on Saturday.”

“Give Trevor a big kiss for me.”

“I will. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Liv ended the call and put her phone in her jeans pocket. Her stomach was growling so she made a coffee cake muffin as her tea cooled. _Adventure Time_ was almost over but she could probably enjoy a few minutes with her guys before Noah turned back in. Walking into the bedroom, all she could do was smile. The TV was on, BMO was having one of her many adventures. 

Noah was curled up against Ed, his knees pulled in, dressed in his Iron Man pajamas, sound asleep. Ed’s feet were crossed, he was still dressed like a cop, tie and all, and he was asleep too. Not to be outdone, Ronin the retriever was also asleep at the bottom of the bed. Liv quickly put her plate and mug on the nightstand, took the phone from her pocket, and took pictures. This was the kind of thing she lived for. She immediately sent one to Rafael, captioning it ‘ _look at my boys. Just look at them_.’

“I'm awake.” Ed said, opening his eyes.

“He's not.” Liv smiled. “I’ll take him to bed.”

“OK.”

Liv went around to the other side of the bed, reaching over Ed and scooping Noah up into her arms. He wasn’t the biggest five year old in the world but his mother wasn’t going to be able to carry him around for much longer. Noah grumbled, as he usually did when his sleep was disturbed, wrapping his arms around his mother.

“Say goodnight to Daddy, bud.”

“Night, Daddy.” Noah, barely conscious, held up his hand to wave.

“Night bud. I love you.”

When Liv came back, Ed was making a very slow attempt to get out of his clothes. It was definitely the kind of night where they would end up on the side of the bed and he would sleep on his stomach. Liv paused the show and then went back to browse. Maybe she could find something that would bring her down enough to get some sleep tonight. It was after 11 and Noah needed to be up for camp by seven. She wanted to crawl under the covers and just pass out. Her growling stomach and trembling hands told her there were still things to be done before that happened.

“I'm gonna take a shower.” He said. “The nerve bundles in my neck and back are on fire.”

“Don’t fall asleep in there.”

“I'm good…I think.”

“You will be when I'm done with you, Captain.”

Ed turned to look at her. She was sitting on the bed, her muffin plate in her lap. Beside her was a bottle of vanilla massage oil. He looked at it and then looked at her again. A tired smile crept across his face.

“I love you, baby.”

“I love you too.”

“15 minutes, tops.”

Ed dragged himself into the bathroom and Liv ate her muffin. She shared a bit with the dog, who was happy to help. She was going to be gently escorting Ronin from the room when Ed returned so the muffin was more of a bribe. The retriever would take it any way it came. The couple needed a little alone time to end the day. 

She would massage away his pain, they would make passionate love, and Liv would sleep in his arms. It was just like what other married couples did, minus the worry that one of them might get killed when they left the house every morning. Ed only worked in the field on special assignment and was usually home by six. Liv worked in the field more often and could work until 8 or 9 if things were busy. 

Technically they were still newlyweds, though she had no idea how long that phase would last. It was hard to think about when work and parenting took up the time that it did. Tonight was a good night to focus on it. Who gave a damn if they were both exhausted tomorrow? They were alive tonight.

***


End file.
